Search:
Recent Posts
Categories
Archives
You can change
Devin Thorpe posted a great commentary the other day on how people can change. I highly encourage you to read it. Thanks, Devin for inspiring this post.
People can and do change. Change comes intentionally and unintentionally. Change comes with age. I know that I am a very different person now compared to when I was 18. Marriage changes you. My wife has been a great influence on me. Children change you. When my daughter was born almost nine years ago I was instantly changed. I use to have dreams that she was getting married and I couldn’t afford to give her a nice wedding. Strangely enough that forced me to do better in school and to excel at what I do. Â
Other things that can change you include death, sickness, divorce, religious awakening, kids leaving home and repentance. All these things have the ability to force significant personality changes. Â
I’ve talked about this before but it’s worth mentioning again. In 2003-04, I was part of a mentoring program in MBA School. I was matched up with star management consultant and author, Chuck Coonradt. I’ve never had such a hard core personality work over in my whole life. I would spend nights sitting up thinking about the things Chuck made me realize. This is how a lot of our conversations would go:
Chuck: Why are you a jerk at work?Â
Chris: I’m not a jerk at work!
Chuck: (Burst out in laughter) BS! You know you’re a jerk at work!
(Long silence)Â
Chris: Yeah you’re right. What do I do about it?
Chuck: 90% of the battle is admitting you have a fault. Once you’ve humbled yourself, then fixing it is easy if you have a desire to do so.
Chris: So what do I do now?
Chuck: it looks like you have a desire to change so make an effort to be genuinely nice to people. It will come easier and easier until you will wake up one day and you’ll be the nicest person you know.
I’m obviously still working on all this. It takes effort, humility and a strong desire to change your personality but it can be done. For me, I’ve noticed that a lot of negative stress turns me into a jerk at work but I’ve come a very long way! Â
If it already hasn’t happened there is going to come a time in your life where you will need to force some kind of change. The older you get the harder it will become. What are you waiting for?
On a similar note:
There is a big difference between being a jerk and being outspoken. I’m outspoken. I take sides. I have an opinion. This doesn’t make me a jerk. It just means that I have a backbone. I find in Utah that there are so many spineless people. They avoid face to face confrontation because they don’t want to “rock the boat” so they go off and talk behind other peoples back’s. There is nothing I hate more than passive/aggressive personalities. There is nothing worse than a manager who pretends to be everyone’s friend and then doesn’t manage or leaves it up to someone else to do their dirty work. The businesses in this state are plagued by people like this. They’re more interested in looking like a nice guy then actually being one.
You can have an opinion and not be a jerk. Here’s one tip to help you with this -Â avoid the following statements:
- “Do you know what your problem is…?”
- “I don’t agree with you.” or “I don’t agree with what (insert name) says” - I hear that one a lot at church of all places.
- “With all due respect..” - people who say this never respect the opinion of the person they are about to address.
Replace that with:
- “Can I offer another view?”
- “Or we could approach it this way…”
- “I know this is a hot issue and everybody has an opinion. My view is that…”
Once we learn how to properly manage and deal with others in the right way - a lot will change around here.
So I challenge you to change. I have a desire to change. I’m doing it. I’m better for doing it.
Are you?
Chris,
I like this post. My favorite line is “You can have an opinion and not be a jerk.”
I’d add to that, “You [any random person] can hear an opinion and not be a jerk.”
If people feel that by giving an opinion it will “rock the boat”, they’re taking their ideas too seriously, or else are participating in a community that punishes *wrong* opinions. (Whatever that may entail).
When that friction prevents actual conversation from taking place, the result is that jerk-or-spineless condition– and it’s not a good thing.
Left by Carolynn Duncan on 02/21/2007Chris, thanks for sharing this post. You bring a lot to the community.
ddt
Left by Devin Thorpe on 02/28/2007